It's so hard to believe that love will prevail

These days I have too many thoughts. No direction. Little clarity. Just loss and a world pulling me along faster than my heart can catch up. I'm okay. But only beginning to walk through this. I'm so very tired yet there is no place to sit. It is everywhere and I can only keep moving forward.

I guess you could say I'm in between hopes - trying to find and fix my gaze on newer ones ahead while letting go of those now sitting still and becoming further and further behind me. I think I'll be here, in between, for a while.

So for today, I'm borrowing the ideas of others for this post. It's a song I've always loved but never dreamed would speak to my heart so accurately. But it does. I'm a big believer in poetry and music. So, why not share it here, since today it seems to be on my heart...the words to this song?

I'm okay. Just sad. I don't really know how to be anything else. I loved. What can I say?

I have to learn that my love still is...I have to learn to have peace with my love being directed at someone so beyond the here and now... and sometimes that just doesn't seem to be good enough. But it is all that I have. And my heart still loves. It is a painful transition. My gut still sinks and churns at the realization to know my child, my tiny baby girl is no longer under my care. That a sister and Aunt is not there to visit or here to host anymore. I feel as if I must go around with my face contorted in a perpetual warped, puzzled look. That is how it feels anyway, as I try to make sense of this old, new world...same place, totally different. What happened?

For now it's raining and there is no umbrella to be had - it's not that kind of rain. But it's just rain. It's only rain. And a long dark night.


It Can't Rain All the Time

-Jane Siberry

We walked the narrow path,
beneath the smoking skies.
Sometimes you can barely tell the difference
between darkness and light.
Do you have faith
in what we believe?
The truest test is when we cannot,
when we cannot see.

I hear pounding feet in the,
in the streets below, and the,
and the women crying and the,
and the children know that there,
that there's something wrong,
and it's hard to believe that love will prevail.

Oh it won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall forever.

Oh, when I'm lonely,
I lie awake at night
and I wish you were here.
I miss you.
Can you tell me
is there something more to believe in?
Or is this all there is?

In the pounding feet, in the,
In the streets below, and the,
And the window breaks and,
And a woman falls, there's,
There's something wrong, it's,
It's so hard to believe that love will prevail.

Oh it won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall
forever.

Last night I had a dream.
You came into my room,
you took me into your arms.
Whispering and kissing me,
and telling me to still believe.
But then the emptiness of a burning sea against which we see
our darkest of sadness.

Until I felt safe and warm.
I fell asleep in your arms.
When I awoke I cried again for you were gone.
Oh, can you hear me?

It won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall forever.
It won't rain all the time
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall,
your tears won't fall
forever.

----
Before I sign out...I need to share a prayer request. My heart is heavy also, for a family I learned about who faces a terrible, terrible loss. I think often about the path they are on.

There was a fire in a house of my Doula's uncle (Nichole was the doula in Philly who helped me bring Gwen into the world.) An 18 month old little girl named Kate, did not make it. Her sister, four-year-old, Julia, is recovering slowly at CHOP. Their older sister, Bethany, age 14, was at school when the fire happened and she is physically okay. Their mother, Susan, remains in a coma with little signs of brain function. The husband and father, Eric, is also physically okay, he was at work, but I cannot begin to imagine the state of his mind.

As Gwen has an audience here, let me extend a request for your prayers for this dear family deep in pain and unbelievable hardship and excruciating loss.

It won't rain all the time...but how can this family even begin to believe that is true? Pray for this family - that's what we are here for, is each other and to love.

"Do you have faith
in what we believe?
The truest test is when we cannot,
when we cannot see."