We are back home in Virginia now. Last Tuesday we drove to Chattanooga for Marie's service. Today we drove back into our world.
I miss Maire. I feel the difference in the world without her. I hate the knowledge that I won't see her again, not here anyway.
I am glad for the siblings I and the cousins I have by marriage. I love the people that Lillian calls her Aunts and Uncles - each one of them I care for and love and each one I believe, is so important in Lil's life in their own way. I always thought she'd have them all for a long, long time. Marie. Marie. It feels so weird and wrong for you to not be here anymore. I'd like to say it will just take some getting used to, but that's just not the case. You are gone and we will always notice the feeling of you "not there."
As for being home. I ache. Myers aches. It's hard to describe it in words right now. I want to hold her again, my Gwen, and have my life, my world, everything that all just went away so fast - I just want it back. Lillian's needs will keep me focused. I'm clinging to God. I'm sustained by friends. I'm trying to walk forward but I am knee deep in pain and bewilderment. I want it to stop hurting.
There's song lyrics that say, "everything changed, then changed again" - I keep hearing that in my head... because that day, in a matter of two hours, that's what happened. Our world changed in the worst possible way all in an instant. Our hearts broke so hard and so fast. And then it happened again hours later when we heard the news of our sweet Marie.
Everything changed and this is how it is now.
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Poetry. I don't know what else to do... I miss you seven years later my love. Your birthday is always a joyful time, even if I am welli...
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Gwen was awake and looking at us for a little while. This is the first photo of her since her operation that doesn't look "scarry...
"...this is how it is now."
ReplyDeleteThat's the hardest part for me. I'm strongly in denial now that I'm away from Chattanooga. I guess I feel like if I accept it, I'll turn into a depressed wreck who can't get off the couch and my house is a wreck and I don't have time for that.
Still thinking of you guys, dear Laura. I weep with you. May our God continue to draw near to you.
ReplyDeleteLove to you, Laura and family! Feel free to come out to Elkton if being at home is too hard in these early days. I know the memories are strong there. And that is good in some ways, but hard. We'd love to have you out for a breather. We can have cupcakes and lemonade.
ReplyDeleteThat's how we have felt about the losses we have had too. It takes a lot of getting used to. We've found that it takes a long time to get over the shock. A year and half later we are still just barely working through the loss of Dan's brother. It was more than a year before we could really talk about what happened on the day that he was found. Time is making it easier to explore the feelings we have about that loss, because the hurts that came with it are no longer as fresh and sharp.
ReplyDeleteLoss has changed our priorities. We are much more focused on spending time with people we care about now, and creating happy times and memories.
You are in our thoughts as you are going through all this.
Love you Laura. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of your family. Praying for your strength. Let me know if you need anything. I know we don't live close but I am a great listener if you ever need to talk.
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